You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
