I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
