i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
