i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize