I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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