glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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