Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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