I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
