i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
