You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
