I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
