She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
