3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
