Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my being single is dangerous.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
