You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
