I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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