I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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