I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
