When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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