Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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