He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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