I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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