Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
