I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
