official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
