Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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