That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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