To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
