I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
