Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
