Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
