Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
