i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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