I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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