First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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