Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
