I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
