i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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