i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
