I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
