call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
