I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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