cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize