It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
