Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
