Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
