Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
