Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
