Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
