They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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