This girl is more easily done than said...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
