While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
