Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
