i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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