There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
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I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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