Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
